Doors Help Prevent Bank Robberies, We All Need Snickers, Tamales Not To Be Trusted

A couple of bank robbers in Omaha Nebraska showed their teamwork skills when faced with a tricky front door. After the first of the two robbers successfully made it into the Security National Bank, the second robber was stuck inside of the vestibules because the door would not open. Security footages show the man trying for quite some time to get inside the bank, but the door would not budge. After the man had nearly exhausted himself from trying to push open the door, even though the sign clearly said pull, his female counterpart came to rescue him from the doors clutches. Once the two robbers made it into the bank, bank employees could not control their laughter. One employee was overheard saying, “You need this more than we do.”

                We shouldn’t poke fun of the bank robbers though; we all know what happens when we get hungry. Thankfully the Snicker’s commercials have shown us what to do when we see a friend not being themselves. On the New York Times Square Subway, two men were sitting close by each other when one of the men noticed something odd about the other; he just didn’t seem to be himself. Although the men were strangers before this moment, it didn’t stop Eliexer Reyes from helping his newly made friend Ian Sklarsky. Reyes jumped to his feet and began cramming a Snickers bar down Sklarsky’s mouth in the attempt to make Sklarsky eat the Snickers. Sklarsky suffered a cut lip and a bruised nose, but not hunger. “You are just not yourself when you are hungry.”

                A man coming into the LAX airport understands hunger all too well.  Before leaving Mexico to get back to the United States, the man packed his luggage with 450 tamales so that he would have them once he reached his California destination. Upon arriving to the airport, the man admitted to having brought back food from Mexico, which was then searched by airport security. The tamales were then destroyed by airport security, who took them to their office, and later returned blaming airport passengers of the crop dusting which started to occur. I don’t know what this world is coming to that you can’t trust tamales that are packed in a suitcase; that’s why I only buy the ones from people selling them out of their trunk on the side of the road.

                The poor decisions of some people continued on this week when a Father was arrested in Morehead Kentucky. During a “Shop with a Trooper” event at Walmart, where children are able to go shopping with State Troopers, one man probably could have used a Snickers. A father brought his child to the event and left the kid in the hands of the troopers, while he began shoplifting… in the same store… where his child was… with a State Trooper… and 79 other State Troopers there. The man was quickly arrested with his stolen $40 drill by the entire State Trooper force; where is Eliexer Reyes when you need him??

                Although Disneyland already has a large security force working for them, they have upped their security procedures in wake of the recent terrorist attacks. No longer can patrons go to the parks in costume if they are over the age of 14, no longer can you bring in toy guns, and no longer will toy guns be sold inside of the parks. The parks will also have metal detectors to try and discourage people from bringing in anything to the park that could be considered a weapon; all of this is in hopes to make the park a safer place for their guests. If these measures do not help, the park then plans to increase security further by giving each customer a complimentary Snickers bar on the way in to the park where customers must then figure out how to open the door that says “pull.” Problem solved. 

A Doughnut Before Jail, Santa is Dead, and an Elf That Doesn't Belong on a Shelf

               A shoplifter in Phoenix Arizona tried to out run police, but when he was cornered he decided to climb onto the roof of a nearby business. The shoplifter told police that the only way he was coming down from the roof was if they abided by his one demand, some Dunkin Doughnuts. The police were more than happy to get the doughnuts for the suspect even though the suspect had specific instructions for the baker; the suspect wanted three jelly filled doughnuts with powder sugar, not granulated sugar. That means that the shoplifter, knowing he was going to jail after his doughnuts, wanted something preemptively filled while having a white substance around his mouth. Yep, he is about to be real popular when he gets to his cell.

                Phoenix isn’t the only city with the white powder problem. In Seattle Washington, after a man was pulled over for a taillight out in his car, the police officer on scene was running the driver’s information when he saw the driver do something ill timed. Pulled over on the side of the road waiting for the officer to hand back the driver’s license, the driver begins to snort his cocaine in front of the officer. Before you are struck with too much shock, understand that the officer was most likely sporting a little white powder on his own uniform from his morning doughnuts. The driver probably just thought that the officer was part of the white power crew as well.

                You can’t pull over a fast one on officers in Washington State though, as the carpooler with a zombie daughter found out. A man, who was tired of driving past the carpool lane without being allowed admittance into it, decided that he would start bringing his daughter to work; that is of course if you believe his zombie doll, complete with a blood smeared face, to be his daughter. The doll looked to be a girl about three or four years old whom had just eaten something grotesquely bloody, and that is what the driver decided to put in his passenger seat to outsmart the law… a bloody toddler… in the passenger seat… without a car seat… really?! The man was quickly pulled over, not because of the carpooling problem, but because the officers were worried about a bleeding zombie in the passenger seat. Come on man, we all know that zombies don’t like going for rides

·    -they always loose limbs when they stick their head out of the window for air.

·    -they are horrible backseat biters.

·    -just lock her in the closet and call her Penny like any normal person would.

               It doesn’t have to be close to Halloween for the creepy dolls to surface, Mattel Inc. showed that this week. The newest Barbie to hit shelves is called the “Hello, Barbie” doll which allows children to have virtual conversations with their toy. Mattel made the dolls with artificial intelligence so that it could understand different conversations going on around it and respond back to the children. This could seem like a great idea if you have never seen any of the Chucky movies, but what makes the toy a true nightmare is that hackers have been able to splice into the conversations and communicate with children. The dolls were quickly taken off the market but not before many single guys, residing in their mother’s basement, bought out many stores of these dolls. It looks like the new Ken is going to be in sweats all day with KFC stains on them.

               Don’t bothering asking Santa for one of these dolls though, because a newspaper in Norway has recently published that the jolly old man is dead. In Nordkapp Norway, the newspaper put it there obituaries that the 226 year old man was found dead from natural causes just before the holidays. The obituary went even further to say that the funeral would be held in the chapel at the North Pole. Schools across the area were seeing a drop in attendance afterwards by the children that were inconsolable. Thanks Norway, now every time I take my kids to the mall this month they are going to swear that they “see dead people” as we pass by the Santa taking pictures. What really baffles me though is knowing that there is a chapel in the North Pole, is Christianity really big in the elf communities?

               No matter what religion they are, having a creepy “Elf on a Shelf” is apparently the biggest craze this year, and not with children. Parents are buying this doll, all while saying that it is for their children, but then are posing the helpless elf in different scenarios and uploading them all over the internet. An elf using a snowman’s bottom to make ice cubes, an elf taking a bath with Barbie, an elf getting into the liquor cabinet, all you have to do is look on Facebook for a new adventure that the elf is having with the adults that bought them. Unfortunately, the excuse “I’m buying this for my kid” no longer works this season when you are caught buying a doll. No matter if it’s the Elf on a Shelf, the Hello Barbie, or the zombie baby, if you don’t know what to get that special person for Christmas; a doll is the gift that keeps on giving.  

Isis flag spotted at Gay Pride Fest

Homework tonight in Journalism was to create a news broadcast about current events. Mind you that I have been getting in trouble because of how light I have been taking the news and if I ever want to be working for the top people like the New York Times or CNN, I need to just state the facts. Seeing how my ideal targeted audience is the same as Saturday Night Live's, I wanted to make a point...

Larry, Where's the Meat? - News for 4-22-15

Praise Bacon

                Vegas is known for having unusual wedding variations that can fit just about anyone’s desire for their big day; and a new church is doing what it can to bring in new followers. The United Church of Bacon will not only marry you in Vegas, but it will also baptize you and bury you in the name of, yes you guessed it, bacon; or should I say Bacon?! While the church was founded in 2010, it is just now picking up steam because of the mass amount of heat that it is getting from the other religions in the area. It appears that the other religious leaders in Vegas do not like the countless billboards going up saying “Praise Bacon.” While I am not about to get on a religious debate, I will say that all of these religions are very closely tied as I am sure you have said before while eating a nice, juicy, thick, slab of bacon, “Oh my God this is good” while drooling on yourself just a bit; I know I have. But why are people so against this new religious upspring? Wouldn’t they prefer bacon thrown in their casket instead of roses, being baptized at the same time as beer-battered, and bacon bits thrown at your wedding instead of rice; we are American Darn it, not Asian!! Wait, did I just go too far? Alright scratch that last one. Well to you Church of Bacon with your 9 commandments of Bacon rules, I wish you well and I for one will follow through with your 8th commandment: Praise Bacon.

Larry, I’m Looking for Larry

Larry, hey Larry, has anyone seen Larry?? A truck driver in Arkansas went missing after he was hired to deliver $50,000 of lunch meat. After not hearing from the driver, the company that hired Larry tracked down his GPS to a small gas station in Memphis. When they found Larry, he was on the side of the truck eating, of course, a lunch meat sandwich; the cargo however, was gone from inside the truck. Larry told the company that he had inadvertently traded all of the lunch meat from the truck for some crack cocaine. There are so many questions I would love to have the chance to ask Larry, but I think the one that will keep me up the longest is, “Are you sure you weren’t driving through Colorado and mistook crack for weed?” What are crack dealers going to do with that much lunch meat?? I guarantee you come to Colorado near one of the dispensaries and that lunch meat will be ate in a second; throw in a few Twinkies and it will look like a modern day Woodstock. But I’m glad they finally found you Larry; there is a guy named Joe Gatto that has been searching for you for a while.

That’s Just My Stomach, Don’t Be Alarmed

Do you ever eat something that just doesn’t sit right in your stomach, and then you try to let out a little gas when you think the coast is clear?? Yes I will admit that it can sometimes sound like a small animal, maybe even a serpent, but you do not listen to it. A man named Nikko Jenkins sitting on death row in Omaha Nebraska believes that he has been following the directions from a Serpent God talking to him. As he awaits the death penalty for killing four people in 2013, this “voice” told him to carve the number 666 on his forehead to show the mark of the beast. While I am sure the voice was actually telling him not to eat the prison meat anymore, he decided to give himself a carving instead. While looking through a mirror, Nikko began his décor when he finally noticed that it was backwards. Nikko, if your God told you to do this than he probably doesn’t like you very much; who’s sign is three upside down nines?? Trust me when I tell you that anyone that has late night Taco Bell after some beers has heard the same voices coming from their bowels and it is not a Serpent God, it is your stomach. While Nikko will probably not get out using the insanity plea, he might have a case with incompetency. 

New Way to Save

A farmer in India went to the hospital after having severe stomach pains, but when a surgeon opened him up, it was like winning the Lotto. Inside the farmer’s stomach were 140 coins and 150 nails that took two days of surgery to get them all out. Can you hear the jackpot noises the surgeon must have heard?? When they asked the Farmer, Rajpal Singh, why he had these items inside of his stomach, he told them that it was a bad habit of his to drink some juice in the morning and swallow his daily metal. Doesn’t everyone?? I am pretty sure that the truth is Rajpal didn’t trust the banks any longer and wanted to create his own personal savings account; besides you know the old saying, “You can’t spend what you have already ate.” As for the nails, I’m sure he was just holding them in his mouth while building a fence as he heard “Swallow them” from his serpent stomach gases. I really think Rajpal needs to invest in a piggy bank… because he’s a farmer… and farmers have pigs… so it would be funny to have a piggy bank… err never mind.

Is That Pee On Your Pants?

Hamburg, a city in Germany, has decided to fight back against would-be criminals that urinate on their walls. They have partnered with Ultra-Ever Dry Company to paint a bounce back paint that the criminals will never forget. The paint was originally made for cars to bounce dirt off so that the car would stay clean longer; however, Hamburg has found that if you paint a building with it, your pee will bounce back and spray you instead. They now have signs on their walls saying, “Do NOT pee here – we pee back.” While I do appreciate and applaud this German city for their forward thinking against crime, I do wonder why bars in Colorado have painted their own urinals with this same substance; I don’t care if you aim for the center or the wall or wherever, the pee always bounces back. It’s just a good thing that Rajpal didn’t visit Germany before the surgery, it would be like a nail gun coming after him (bloo-ka, bloo-ka, bloo-ka). 

From Poo to Hillary, News of the Week

What a Dollar Can Buy in Iowa

     You wake up and hear a noise outside, and to your surprise someone is trying to break into your truck. You race to come to your truck’s aid but it’s too late; although the thief was not able to steal the truck they already ran off with something just as important. That’s right, in the bed of your truck they found the special package that you have been saving for the day when you will need it most. All of the planning, waiting, and daydreaming of that special day have come to a halt when you see that it’s gone; gone but never forgotten. You call the police to report the crime but since the thief only made off with the bag, they can only charge him for that. Although you know the true value of your prized possession, the darn police only value it at $1. Is there no justice in the world anymore?? That’s what happened to an Iowa man a few days ago when his bag of dog poop was stolen from the bed of his truck. Anyone that’s been an adolescent teenager before will tell you that it takes a lot of time to collect these samples; not so much picking it up into a bag, but to get the nerve to grab it. And then once you have your treasure, you begin to plan out your epic attack down to the second; but it was all taken away from this man and to make it worse they only value his hours of planning, his courage to pick up the feces, his dream to watch his nemesis suffer, and his downright bravery at $1. The poor man doesn’t even own a dog so he has to go back to his neighbor’s house. Shame, shame on you Iowa PD.

 

I Can Do Whatever I Want When I Retire

Have you given it much thought as to what you might do when you retire? I myself plan to go from grocery store to grocery store just so that I can get into an electric cart and ram into people. Instead of saying sorry or excuse me, I will simply just groan a little and pretend as if my attackee did not move quick enough from my bumper cart. Then I’ll go back to my car and instead of writing a sign that says, “Honk if you are fill-in-the-blank” for some much needed attention, I will simply drive at an aggravatingly slow pace just to ensure the horn works from the driver behind me. However, I might not think to pull people over like one Florida man did, as he suited up his car to imitate police officers. The idea was working for him for quite some time and even his neighbors believed that he was on the city’s payroll; until he decided to pull over a couple of real police officers. It seems as though I’m not the only one that wanted to give the police a piece of my mind for valuing a bag of poop for $1.

 

Hillary, Oh Hilarious

  So with little shock to the world, Hillary Clinton just announced that she is running for presidency. People are quickly taking sides both for and against her, and I even watched a video of the man himself, Chuck Norris, throwing a few karate jabs at Hillary’s expense. Wait, wait, I thought good ole Chuck was dead fighting ninjas in the afterlife? Me too, but I guess not. My Facebook wall has more pictures of Hilary from people posting them, then cat videos now. Please understand one thing, no matter which of the two parties that you vote for in this coming election, both parties are there because they were funded by the richest of investors that want to insure their money is safe, not yours. Candidates that are completely honest would never get the investment they need to run for president, so it is up to the two people that can spin a story the best to win our love and respect.  Hmm, that doesn’t sound like we have a whole lot of options, unless we all do a write in vote. Yes that’s the answer, a write in vote for a man of the people, a man with a little vengeance but just enough self-control to monitor it, a man who knows the value of a dollar and is not afraid to get his hands dirty when needed. Yes folks, I am giving my vote to the Des Moines Iowa man who believed that his poop was worth something, because I know that mine is. Besides, do we really want to see how Hillary gets revenge over Bill in the Oval office??

 

You Cheated At What?!

  Although I will forever be in the debt of our generation’s nerds for providing things such as the internet, IPhone, video games, and so much more, you will still never catch me watching a televised game of chess because it’s just incredibly boring. Wait, are any chess games televised?? Anyway, we all know that chess is the nerdiest of games and my hat is off to those who play it well; but can you imagine if someone was to cheat at the game?? It’s like an innocent person begging to be prosecuted for a crime they didn’t commit. Is someone holding your family hostage and making you cheat to become a nerd of chess? Just call Liam Neeson; he’s got a certain set of skills, but chess probably isn’t one of them. One man in Georgia pretended to have diarrhea while playing a championship game of chess; I bet that gave him more street cred. After multiple trips to the bathroom while in the middle of a game, it was finally revealed that the player was hiding a phone in a plastic bag behind a toilet and on the phone was a chess app. The player, Gaioz Nigalidze, was using the app to help him figure out his moves against his opponent. So let me get this straight, you just pretended to be smart enough to become a championship winning nerd, by pretending that you had diarrhea, so that you could walk away with a pretend girlfriend?? Hmm, now that I think about it, I would still probably vote for you over Hilary.

News for April 3rd

Find Yourself in California

For a while now, California has been trying different advertisements to promote moving to their state with the slogan, “Find yourself here.” Even the Terminator himself has spent time trying to convince America to search for happiness in the Golden State, so it only makes sense that they would now be aiming their advertisements towards prison inmates to relocate as well. Yesterday, a judge ordered for California to pay for an inmate’s sex-change operation that could cost well over $100,000. This operation would allow an inmate named Jeffrey Norworthy to transform himself, err umm herself, to Michelle Norsworthy while no expense to herself, or umm himself or whatever. Since Jeffrey was sentenced to life in prison for second degree murder, it is unknown yet whether he/she will live out the remaining sentence in an all-male or female prison; but one thing is known, just as Jeffrey found himself in California, I am sure that other inmates will find Jeffrey too.

 The Smell You Crave

Burger Kings in Japan decided to try a “Flamed-Broiled” smelling cologne to sell to its customers. There should be no doubt that the cologne sold out the same day that it went on sale in almost every one of their stores. The smell, described as spicy, was intended to get people hungry and crave a Whopper from their closest Burger King; already, sales have seen a slight rise since the release of the cologne. In related news, there has been a rash of pregnant wives trying to eat their husbands while they sleep. Burger King: For when you have a pregnant wife and you just want to end it all, or for when you want to let the other guys in prison know you are available.

Love at First Crow

In Argentina, a man named Jose Alberto was found dead lying with his lover today. To his neighbors, Jose was known as a loner who did not get out much, so it is nice to know that Jose died in the arms of the person he loved. When police found the deceased Jose, he was in bed with his stuffed and lipsticked scarecrow where he seemed to be in the “act” when he passed. A full autopsy is being done with Jose’s remains, but I am sure we all know what really happened as the police’s prime suspect is Dorothy and her little dog too.

Wannabe Rapper Finally Makes it Big

Ronald Herron, a gang leader for the Murderous Mad Dogs, decided that he wanted to follow in the footsteps of the greats before him and become a rapper too. Ronald made a few music videos about his life filled with guns, drugs, and crime trying to show his street cred, but it was the video that he threatens the life of a rival gang member that helps him make it big. Although in the video he says he is going to kill the person that hurt one of his lieutenants, and that same person ends up dead, Ronald says that the video was just “ad-libbing.” Yes Ronald, ad-libbing is the action at which someone just says what they want without preparing it prior; I am sure that you would not have admitted to the murder, filmed it, promoted it, and had your other gang members in it if you would have known that the court would use it against you at trial. In fact, in the courthouse when everyone was watching the video, a far larger crowd than Ronald had gotten thus far for his video, the Murderous Mad Dog leader said that everything in the video was just fiction. Everything that is, except the part where he was dealing crack, an armed robber, and being in the Bloods gang called Murderous Mad Dogs which he admitted to. So umm what you’re saying is that it’s all true?! Listen Ronald, while rappers like 2pac and Notorious B.I.G. made it big as rappers, it didn’t end well for them. You should take some advice from OJ and title your video, “If I did it;” just make sure you don’t get caught afterwards doing something else stupid. At least you won’t be lonely, I just heard that California is allowing inmates to have girlfriends. 

News recap for 3/2/15- Color Changing Dress to Winter Wonderland

The Darn Dress

  So the main shared post this week on social media is the White and Gold/Black and Blue dress. This dress has caused people across the nation to choose sides almost as dire as the “Team Jacob, Team Edward” epidemic. The debate as to what color the dress is as created civil wars throughout households because they could not agree on the color. These people that are fighting are obviously not married because any guy that has taken his wife out clothes shopping knows that females make up colors non-stop in order to confuse us men. The last time I went out clothes shopping with my wife, she asked how her outfit was that she was trying on. I told her that she looks beautiful in blue, and she gave me a very impatient look. “This is Cerulean, not blue” she exclaimed. I decided to just play along with her made up colors and I said yes, the Cerulean blue looks great on you. She then stomped her feet a little and told me that Cerulean is far different than Cerulean blue. Shenanigans I say!! There is blue, light blue and dark blue; that is all. I decided to look up how many shades of blue that are made up and I found sites that showed more than 60 variations of the color blue; that’s insane. So the next time your wife says, “What color would you call this.” Just answer, “What color would you call it sweetie?”

 

Killing Them Saltly

  So this week a mother was convicted of second-degree murder for killing her son with salt. Yes, apparently the mother poisoned her son by feeding him salt until he died. Salt. The thing you have to put on you fries or they taste like crap, the thing that you lick off of your fingers after you eat of bag of potato chips, the significant other of pepper, and the mistress of garlic was the accomplice to the murder. After hearing about this, I instantly remembered growing up in a household where southern cooking was as much about life as being an American. If there was not a cup of salt mixed with a pound of butter in our food, it wasn’t ready for us to eat. Growing up I frequented every fast food establishment across the nation to try their salt dipped food and I can say that I loved it. But now I wonder if this was all just a huge elaborate plan to try and kill me. In fact, if my family was trying to kill me than they went through barrels of salt with no success, no wonder they got me hooked on fast food to try and finish the job. Come to think of it, I think my mom wanted to visit a salt mine at one point when I was a kid. I must get the word out to every child in a Southern state that eats salt by the kilo in their parents cooking. But first I am going to enjoy these salted caramel candies my mom just dropped off…

 

Employment with Supersized Benefits

  Breaking some headlines this week is an article stating that Delaware state workers spent $195,000 last year on fast food on their state issued credit cards. The article is to show how unhealthy these state workers are eating and to possibly try and help them live better lives; however, I want to know how I can get a job in Delaware as a state worker. This article should be on the brochure as to why to join your local state positions. I know that I could do some real damage with $534 a day in breakfast burritos and hamburgers, sign me up. I bet it would only cost a few thousand dollars to fill a pool up with Frosties. Help wanted as a state employee; perks include a mountain of fries (salt will be determined if we want to keep you around or not).

  Offredo, J. & Starkey, J. (Mar. 2, 2015). Del Workers Charge $195,000 in Fast Food. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/03/02/delaware-state-workers-charge-thousands-fast-food/24260653/

 

Winter Storm or Woman’s Scorn

  There is no state that you can travel to that hasn’t been affected by this crazy winter storm that we are all getting. There is Winter Storm Linus that has brought 24 inches to Massachusetts along with another 24 states, Winter Storm Thor that has given away to 42 inches in Colorado, and Winter Storm Sparta that has already dropped 12 inches in New Mexico on its way to New York. However we have the power to stop this snow from falling. What do Linus, Thor, and Sparta all have in common? They have all three pissed off some very dangerous women. Linus we know, cared way more about his blanket and piano than he ever would for Lucy; need I point out the color of her dress. Thor was constantly fighting with his wife Sif because of his love for mortal women, and she was a goddess. Then there is Sparta whose warriors constantly left their wives to fight in its honor instead of staying at home with their families. All we need now is for one of those women to turn into Elsa (who wears a blue dress), and smite us all with the freeze of a lifetime. All of this because some guy called his wife’s dress blue and black instead of agreeing with her that it was gold and white. For the love of summer, stop the women’s scorn from happening before it’s too late and just go with their made up colors.

Lam, L. (Mar. 2, 2015). Winter Storm Thor: Snow in Midwest, South, East, West; Icy Mess in South. Retrieved from http://www.weather.com/storms/winter/news/winter-storm-thor-southwest-rockies-midwest-northeast

Weather.com (Mar. 2, 2015). Winter Storm Sparta Brings Snow, Ice From Rockies to the Northeast. Retrieved from http://www.weather.com/storms/winter/news/winter-storm-linus-reports-how-much-snow

Weather.com (Feb. 3, 2015). Winter Storm Linus Recap: Top 5 Snowstorm for Chicago, Detroit. Retrieved from http://www.weather.com/storms/winter/news/winter-storm-linus-reports-how-much-snow